Poop

That's right. It's come down to this. I'm blogging about feces. WAIT! WAIT! Don't bail on me yet. Stop believing I'm some form of intellectual and realize that I'm just a 25 year old infant and poop still facsinates me. Focus!

So anyways, I'm a bit of a drinker. For those of you who know me I've probably mentioned this several times. With that being said, if you harbor the same "taste for booze" that I'm accustomed to you'll agree with this statement...We've all been there: Picture this scenario....

You wake up in the morning smelling of booze, the minghag you drunkedly swapped spit with the night before and about 50 dollars worth of dominoes. Your bowels are brewing up something stinky. You know the train you've boarded and it can't be stopped. Throughout the day you are just waiting for updates from your anus like I personally hang on every twitter post made by Miley Cyrus. You don't know what's coming but it could be anything. Admit it, we've all been there. So on days like these I like to harken back to my "nerdity" (not actually a word but pretty awesome) and bank on the Star Wars movies in order to appropriately name and describe my bowel movements throughout the day. So, here's my take on all this dung ambiguioty...





First poop: The Phantom Menace
-You have no idea when it's coming but you do know that it will live up to it's "menace" moniker. And when it does hit, not only is the uncertainty phantom-esque, but it's usually a quick little shit. Plop plop done. It's like opening a bottle of wine but upside down, brown, and not tasty (although if consumed, it's ability to make one drunk is probablly pretty damn good. I'd say 60% alcohol by volume). It's one and done.

Second Poop: Attack of the Clones
-This one also comes by suprise but after the night described above, you know you're not getting out easy. This one lives appropriately up to it's name. It's much like the menace.

Third Poop: Revenge of the Sith
-The third poop is notoriously worse. You know you've consumed some sort of food throughout the day at this point so not only do you have whiskey, cheap beer and fast food pizza churning in your bowels, you've now added any number of shit inducing foods to the stomach. And let's face it, after a night like that, you aren't ordering anything good. The chicken ceasar salad? Fuck that! Give me 5 big taste taco's, seven layer nacho's, a 48 ounce mountain dew and a guaranteed hot shit. Here comes the Sith, And your fucked.

Fourth Poop: A New Hope
-The fourth poop can't be described as easily. It could be fierce or it could be light. Hence it's name. If it's light you think to yourself, "Maybe it's over and done with". If it's heavy and hot and you leave blood streaks on your toilet paper you think, "hey, it can't get any worse than that one." But, it's a toss up. You always hope for the best. And you always pray it's the last.

Fifth Poop: The Empire Strikes Back
-Any and all false hopes you've let hang over from the fourth poop are completely gone. You're fucked and the empire HAS struck again. If you reach this ill fated stage you're doomed to a shit that, to the non-drinker/non-hot sauce lover/anyone without a gastrointestinal disease would seem worse than any torture the USA could have given you, being a terrorist, under the Bush Administration.

Sixth Poop: Return of the Jedi
-At this point in your day all you can do is hope that good does prevail. Even if it's filled with muppets and convoluted plot lines, you're just not in a good place. It has to be the last...it just has to...right?

Good luck people.